Jiffy Lube, Dogs, and Annoying People

March 28, 2012 Leave a comment

I went to Jiffy Lube yesterday. I learned that a busy Jiffy Lube with a small waiting room is a recipe for disaster, especially when one of your main goals in this life is to avoid people. People are annoying, not all of them, but enough to give this statement credibility. If you go to a Jiffy Lube, my one request is that you don’t bring your dog. Dogs belong in your yard, not your lap. I don’t like dogs and if you look down on me for making this statement, then you’re probably the type of person that brings their dog to Jiffy Lube. Surprisingly enough, though, in this instance the people involved were more annoying than the actual dog. The dog wasn’t barking or running around jumping on people like other dogs do, probably because it was abused in the past and afraid of people. How do I know this? Because the lady who brought the dog told everyone in the waiting room, as if they cared. Well, maybe they did care, but I sure didn’t.

The owner of this little dog (for the sake of the story she will henceforth be referred to as Babs) struck up a conversation with an older lady in the waiting room. They were talking about dogs of course, and the old lady mentioned that her own dog recently tried to bite a man in her home. This was surprising to the old lady, since her dog had not snapped at anyone before. So Babs, in her infinite puppy wisdom, tells the old lady, “Well there must have been something that wasn’t right with that man then.” Ok Babs, let me take a moment to tear this statement apart. First off, let’s dive into this statement you arrogantly made and interpret its meaning. What I believe this statement reveals is that you buy into the moronic idea that it’s instinctive for dogs to have the ability to “sense” an evil person. You insist that dogs are experts in criminal profiling. In your mind, a dog’s instincts can never be wrong, they’re too smart of an animal. Babs, let me break it to you gently… dogs are idiots. Are you telling me that the same “instincts” that tell a dog to chase his tail, run out in front of cars, and gobble up his own doo doo also give him this power to judge whether a human is essentially a good or bad person? Your dog is stupid and so are you.

Babs then went on to make another statement that both affirmed her unwavering dog loyalty and senselessness. A couple men were talking about sports and Babs decided to chime in with, “The most disgusting man in sports is Michael Vick!” That’s a pretty bold statement, Babs. Apparently you haven’t heard of this fellow named Jerry Sandusky.

A little while later a full-grown man (let’s call this guy Parker- a wimpy name for a wimpy guy) walks in, spots the dog, and makes a beeline towards it. This adult man starts stroking the dog’s head and talking to it in a baby voice saying “Thassa goo boy, thassa goo boy…” over and over and over. Instead of sounding like a grown man, Parker sounded like a first time grandma meeting her infant grandson. After this 5 minute nauseating stint, Parker took a short break. After the short break, he repeated his baby talk with the dog, only this time the dog was in his lap. What kind of person scoops up a stranger’s dog like that other than a freak? I’m pretty sure he was cupping the dog’s junk too. After Babs left, Parker didn’t have a dog to talk to so he zeroed in on me. He started bragging to me about how many miles he had on his Ford Ranger as if I gave a rat’s ass. I didn’t think of it at the time, but I’d like to say it now… Parker, I hope you scored Babs’ digits, because you and she are destined to hoard dogs together.

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Categories: Funny

Having Fun With Social Norms

March 21, 2012 Leave a comment

It’s kind of funny when you sit down and think of all the social norms we rigidly follow without even really thinking about it. What’s funnier than that is thinking of ways to break these norms. Here’s a story that illustrates what I’m talking about. Let’s have some fun with social norms…

I woke up yesterday to the sound of my friend yelling at me. He and his wife were gone on a trip so I had been spending the night sleeping in their comfortable bed and taking care of their house. It turns out that you have to be asked to house sit. I slept in the nude, so when I woke up and got out of their bed, my friend yelled at me again for having my bare dong flopping to and fro. At this point I’m thinking to myself, man this guy’s got a case of the grumpies or something. He then told me to leave. On my way out I really had to take a leak, so I whizzed all over his couch. It was on my way out and I figured it would be best to whiz on something that’s going to soak up all the tinkle. I then grabbed his kid’s bike and pedaled off. I came upon a lady walking her dog and asked her how much she weighed. She got this weird look on her face for some reason and wouldn’t answer. I then asked her if I could see her stomach. She walked away, so I kept pedaling. I stopped at a convenience store for some breakfast. I saw my brother there with a work colleague of his. Why they were in a convenience store I’ll never know. My bro introduced me to his colleague and he put his right hand out. I didn’t really know what was going on so I flicked his tooth and bit his shoulder. I proceeded to grab a Dr. Pepper and a pack of Rolos, as I did every day for breakfast. There were a bunch of people waiting to pay,  so I just went to the front of the line and put my stuff on the counter. I’m always confused as to why people would wait in a long line. The clerk told me I owed him $1.50. I dumped 50 pennies from the tray they always have right there on the counter, wadded up a dollar bill that I grabbed before I left my friend’s house, shoved that thing up my nose and blew it out on the counter as one would a snot rocket. Then I turned around to the next guy in line and screamed at him while our noses were touching. I think I was tickling him too. While I ate my breakfast outside on the hood of someone’s car, the same lady from before came walking by. This time I asked if I could guess her weight. She didn’t respond. I went to the movies after this. The whole time the movie played I stared at the guy sitting behind me. He kept glancing at me and was squirming an awful lot. He was a weirdo. I needed a meal after this, so I went into a P.F. Chang’s and walked around the restaurant dabbling in a variety of cuisine from off of people’s plates. Soon thereafter I was asked to leave, which I though was pretty rude. As the day was winding down, I decided to take a night swim. After 10 glorious minutes of night swimming, the owner of the house whose pool I was in kicked me out. I asked him where the towels were so I could dry off, but he said he wasn’t giving me a towel. So I thought to myself, ok fine, I guess he doesn’t mind that I’ll be dripping pool water inside the house. As I was relaxing in the living room, I decided to strike up a conversation with the guy. I would have talked to his family, but the guy made them leave and go to the neighbors’ house until help came. I don’t know what he needed help with, and I still don’t. I asked the guy a bunch of questions about his wife and kids. Mostly I wanted to know how much his wife weighed, but I also was curious about where his kids went to school and if anyone watched them when they got home. I was treating it like an interview because I’ve been trying to get in the nanny game for quite some time now. I didn’t tell him this, though, because I didn’t want to jinx myself. After about 15 minutes a couple police officers came and arrested me. They were jerks. I didn’t even do anything! They wouldn’t let me play with the siren or their guns either. Now I know why people say cops are mean. At least I got to sleep in a bed that night where I knew I wouldn’t wake up to my friend yelling at me. Maybe my friend will let me sleep on his couch tonight.

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I Wish I Was a Fat Guy

March 18, 2012 Leave a comment

As I become more and more tubby as the years pass by, I have come to the realization that attaining the “pinnacle of fatness” may have more benefits than I originally thought possible. We all have heard of the reasons not to be fat, since people who claim to know things are always annoyingly talking about it, like that nerd Dr. Oz. But what about the benefits? I am going to shed some light on some of the really cool things about being a fat guy because frankly we need to give credit where credit is due! Sadly, these benefits mostly only apply to dudes, so you ladies may want to think twice about gaining a ton of weight.

Have you noticed that in general, fat guys are funnier than other people? The only group that gives them any competition are super skinny guys, which is pretty ironic now that I think about it. Nevertheless, fat guys still lead the pack when it comes to funny. This isn’t by mistake, either, because it’s mainly due to the fact that being fat provides them with the best available comedic material. Think about it… regular sized people absolutely love it when fat guys make fun of themselves for loving food and being so enormous. I know that I’ll never get tired of a man exclaiming how gargantuan he is. And because fat guys are so funny, they can still score hot chicks with sumptuous knockers.

Fat guys can get out of doing just about anything. If they don’t want to do something or go somewhere, they always have an excuse… they’re fat. And those grotesquely fat guys you see on talk shows can just sit around all day and don’t even have to get jobs because they can’t even move.

I would imagine that fat guys sleep super deeply, what with all that weight bearing down on their chests. It’s almost as if they’re in a minor coma. I bet they feel so relaxed when they wake up, especially since they toe the line with death every time they fall asleep.

Lastly, fat guys get to eat whatever they want. This is the real American dream, not that white picket fence crap. They can eat whatever they want because it’s not like gaining a few pounds is going to matter. Plus, even if they do gain weight, all that does is add to their awesomeness. Also, because of all this unneccessary consumption, fat guys’ farts are gnarlier than that of the common man. Their dumps are epic too. Many may see these last couple things as “gross,” but I choose to see them as gifts.

It is for all of these awesome reasons that I want to be a fat guy.

 

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